“解决问题类”作文的对比

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  【试题呈现】
  假设你是《高中生学习》杂志社的编辑Mary,你刚收到某中学高一学生李华的来信,信中写道:“我对即将学习的课文The Million Pound Bank Note很感兴趣,很想参加班级组织的角色表演活动,我喜欢并擅长戏剧表演,但是我在英语学习方面有很多问题:1. 我的词汇量太小,很多地方读不懂;2. 我发音不准,常常一开口同学们就哄堂大笑,我很难受;3. 英语课上我不敢开口,老师以为我放弃了学习,所以也不点我回答问题。我越来越焦虑了,我该怎么办?”请你以Mary的名义给他回封信。
  注意:1. 词数不少于120;
  2. 可适当增加细节,以使行文连贯。
  
  Dear LiHua,
  I’ m glad to hear from you.
  _____________________________________
   Yours sincerely
  【审题点拨】
  这是一篇应用文,要求我们以书信形式来完成“解决问题类”作文,即帮助李华解决学习中遇到的问题。在写作中,大家可以灵活表述,但是应该注意:
  1. 要有针对性地、逐一提出解决问题的途径,不能漏掉任何一个要点;
  2. 不要生硬地逐条翻译,应正确使用承上启下的过渡词使文章内容紧凑,语言连贯流畅;
  3. 注意语言的委婉和礼貌,鼓励的语句必不可少。
  
  【习作一】
  Dear LiHua,
  I’m glad to hear from you. In fact, Eglish study is not very difficult. You need not give it up. But only if you make great efforts can you make great progress. So, here are some advice to help you.
  First, I know your vocabulary is small, so apart from to strengthen your vocabulary, you also should guess the words that you meet in practice. If you do this day by day, you will give over the problem.
  Secondly, you can’t be shy to speak English because speak English is the most impotant way to improve your situation, though your pronunciation is not exact, and your classmates will laugh at you, you can’t lose your confidence. Reading English words loudly every morning like Liyang and listen to English programs every night can help you too. If you do so, that is impossible that you can’t make it.
  Thirdly, pick up your confidence again. Don’t be worried about your English study. If you want to change your situation now, please follow my suggestion at once. And don’t be so anxious. You will be better of course.
  Waiting for your good news and best wishes to you.
   Yours sincerely
   Mary
   (新洲一中 陈钰敏)
  点评 这是一篇中档习作。其优点是:
  (1)本文语言基本表达流畅,要点齐全,层次分明。在行文中,用First,Secondly, Thirdly逐一提出建议,使文章很有条理;文章的结尾也很简练。
  (2)作者运用了一些高级词汇和短语,如:confidence,make great efforts,make great progress,apart from,pick up等,使文章语言比较丰富。
  (3)作者尝试运用了一些较复杂的句子结构。如:
  ... only if you make great efforts can you make ...(倒装句)
  ... the words that you meet ...(定语从句)
  If you do this day by day, you will ...(条件状语从句)
  Reading English words ... can help you ...(非谓语动词)
  
  不足之处是:
  (1)作者有些地方用词不够准确、语法方面也有一些错误。如:
  “strengthen your vocabulary” 应改为“enlarge/enrich your vocabulary”;
  “give over the problem”应改为“get over the problem”;
  “... because speak English is the...”应改为“... because speaking English is the ...”;
  “... listen to English programs every night can help ...”应改为“... listening to English programs ...”;
  “... that is impossible that you can’t make it.”应改为“... it is impossible that you can’t make it”;
  “You will be better of course” 应改为“You will do better in English learning”。
  (2)写作中部分过渡词和句式重复使用多次,如so和and,其实可以尝试使用不同的词汇,如therefore,thus,as a result等,从而使语言丰富、鲜活。又如文中“Don’t be worried about ...”和“And don’t be so anxious”都是祈使句,我们可以把其中一个改变句式结构,例如,将后一句改为“The less anxious you are, the more you will acquire from the text.”,避免同一句式多次使用,使文章的句式结构多样化。
  (3)作者的语言还需要提炼,如结尾段这句“If you want to change your situation now , please follow my suggestion at once.”有点多余,来信中李华已经很焦急想要改变现状,作者不妨改成鼓励性的语句:If you keep on trying, you’ll surely succeed in the play as well as your English learning.
  
  【习作二】
  Dear LiHua,
  I’m glad to hear from you. Knowing you have trouble in learning English, I have some pieces of advice.
  If you think you have a limited vocabulary, you can make efforts from now on. You needn’t worry that you are slower than other students when you refer to the dictionary. So long as you make up your mind to manage it, you can make it. It is the attitude towards learning English rather than talent that counts. Practice makes perfect. I believe you can master more words and understand them little by little. With other students laughing at you, you may feel upset and lose your confidence. Cheer up! Caring too much about the thoughts of the other students does no good to you. You can make an adjustment. You can try to be braver and more active. When the teacher asks questions, you can raise your hand as quickly as possible. Even if your answers are not right, it is admirable to convey your own opinions.
  Only if you speak and use English more often can your pronunciation be better. Considering that you are good at performing, I firmly believe you can succeed in the performance. I am looking forward to your good news.
  Yours sincerely
  Mary
  (新洲一中 张纯)
  点评 这是一篇高档习作。
  (1)本文覆盖了题目要求的所有要点,语言得体,行文流畅,表意连贯,很有条理。
  (2)文中使用的词汇极为丰富、准确。如:limited,manage,count,upset,adjustment,admirable,convey,make efforts,refer to,make up your mind,rather than,care about,do no good to,look forward to等。
  (3)作者尝试使用了较多的高级句式结构。如:
  Knowing you have trouble in learning...(分词作状语)
  It is the attitude... that counts(强调句型)
  With other students laughing at...(With的复合结构)
  Caring too much about...does no good to you.(动名词作主语)
  So long as you make up your mind...(条件状语从句)
  Even if your answers...(让步状语从句)
  Only if you speak and use English...can your...(倒装句)
  文中简单句、并列句和复合句交替使用,读起来朗朗上口,非常流畅,显示了作者扎实的语言功底;能用一句谚语Practice makes perfect来鼓励对方恰到好处,结尾处Considering that you are good at... 又灵活地结合了对方“擅长表演”的优点来激励对方,更是锦上添花。
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