论文部分内容阅读
还记得安徒生笔下的红舞鞋和灰姑娘的水晶鞋吗?那都是多么神奇的鞋子啊,只要一穿上,你便能过上梦寐以求的生活,赢尽众人艳羡的目光。
成长的失意岁月里,大家是否也希冀过这样的“鞋子”?它们可以是穿在身上的漂亮衣服,拿在手上的精致玩具,搁在书桌上的新潮文具……它们,都曾被我们认为是开启心结的密匙,能化解心中的郁结,带我们离开困境,摆脱悲伤。为了它们,我们甚至可能沉溺,可能疯狂。不过,碌碌一番之后,我们最终发现的往往是这些东西其实并不奏效。
年少时,谁没有过这份痴狂?回想起来,大家可能付之一笑,因为经过时间和生活的洗礼,我们总能自己走出困局,并且明白一个道理:即使是安徒生的红舞鞋也有停不下来的缺陷;灰姑娘有水晶鞋为她打开幸福之门,关键的还是在于她的善良。
I can remember getting my first pair of 1)Chuck Taylor’s like it was yesterday. They were a gift from a boyfriend of my mother’s. Black high tops with white rubber toes and
2)soles, they represented so much more to me than mere 3)footwear. The box itself was a marvel all its own, tightly constructed and narrower than most. The compact nature of the 4)slender box and the contrast of the black 5)canvas against the white rubber on the shoes themselves had an air of cleanliness and 6)superiority. At the age of fourteen, these shoes signified the possibility of acceptance, self-worth, and stability. Owning these shoes and their labels “Converse All Stars”, made me suddenly believe that every aspect of my then wrong world would somehow be right.
Of course, I was wrong. My peers continued to refuse and 7)ridicule me, my self-worth maintained an all-time low, and as far as stability goes—8)across the board—I wavered like an alcoholic engaged in a 9)sobriety test. My shoes did not make anything “right”. The only reasonable explanation I could 10)discern was not that “the clothes don’t make the man”, oh, no. On the contrary, it was the 11)notion that somehow, the shoes had failed me, but more directly, I had failed myself.
At the age of sixteen I felt even more 12)outcast and alone. I had by then moved out of my mother’s home, and was going from place to place, still in search of that missing stability I’d neglected to find in my Converse All-Stars. I was still in high school, and working at the local mall. That’s when I tried again with a brand new pair of 13)Old Skool Adidas. They were navy blue, with three white stripes on either side of the laces. Again, they represented everything their Converse 14)predecessors did. At the time, I wasn’t able to relate the two 15)incidents, but now, thinking back, I can definitely say there was a pattern. The desire I held for those shoes 16)consumed my thoughts, as much as all they represented did. And once again, I got them, and once again, they didn’t make my life any different or any better. The only difference this time was that I knew why.
One day as I sat in the backseat of my best friend’s camaro, parked across the street from our high school awaiting a bell to ring to 17)signify the start of the next class, I stared down at the shoes I once
18)coveted so. With a sort of grim certainty, it dawned on me: no one, not even me, really cared about my shoes. In the grand scheme of things, is it going to matter in the year 2099 that I had this precious 19)particular pair of ADIDAS? Are generations to come going to admire and remember me because of the shoes I wore in 1996? Would my 20)tombstone read “Janis. She wore Adidas”? These questions served as an awakening, but they also thrust me deeper into my pit of despair and 21)solitude, giving rise to the questions that we’re all eventually faced with as some point in time... “If this never mattered, what does?”, “If there’s nothing more to life than this, what is the point in living?”, and finally, “If it’s not my shoes, clothes, hair, etc., that has denied me acceptance, what is it?”
It was me. It was always me. No 22)status symbol would ever change who I was, or how I felt about myself. Why should anyone accept me if I couldn’t? People are 23)subconsciously
24)perceptive. Whether they understood the 25)severity of it or not, they were always keen on my weakness, the “not good enough”. Not good enough for my own parents, not good enough for my peers, and the not good enough for myself. It was always there, through the 26)assimilation and the angry 27)facade, the indifference, and the 28)defiance. It lingered and showed through. Still does, even now, more than ten years later.
I had a friend towards the end of what I like to call “my high school failure”. One thing that I’ll never be able to forget was his collection of shoes. All nearly new, all exactly the same, black Adidas Sambas by the 29)droves. I remember how he would constantly and 30)obsessively buy them. They lined his closet floor, his status symbols. By this time, of course, I already knew the truth, he didn’t. I’m not sure if it ever occurred to him actually. I wasn’t surprised when he showed them to me one day, I just nodded knowingly and kept my mouth shut. It’s not something anyone can tell you, it’s something you have to realize for yourself. It means so much more that way. The “shoes” don’t make the man.
我对自己拥有第一双查克·泰勒帆布鞋记忆犹新,仿如发生在昨天一般。这双鞋子是我妈妈的一位男友送我的礼物。高高的黑色鞋帮,白色的橡胶鞋头和鞋底,它们于我的意义已经远远超过了一双鞋子。鞋盒本身就是一件杰作,结构牢固,盒身比大多数的鞋盒要窄一些。细长盒身的结实本色以及鞋身黑色帆布、白色橡胶的对比效果显出一份洁净和尊贵的气息。豆蔻年华,这双鞋子意味着接纳、自尊和安定。拥有这双鞋子,拥有“匡威全明星”的标签,让我顿时相信那时我失常的世界的每个方面都能无故变得合理。
当然,我错了。我的同伴依然抗拒我,奚落我,我还是原来那么自卑,至于安定,我完全飘摇不定,就如同一个需要进行酒精测试的酒鬼。我的鞋子并没有让任何事情“合理”起来。唯一我明白过来的合理解释是:“人靠衣装”并不正确,噢,不是的。相反,某种程度上我得到的结论是,这双鞋子负我所望,但是更直接来说,是我自己有负所望。
花季之年,我变得更不合群,更孤独了。我那时已经从我妈妈的家搬了出来,四处游走,依然寻找我从“匡威全明星”的标签里一直找不着的安定感。我还在上中学,同时也在当地的一个商场打工。就是那时候,我用一双崭新的复古阿迪达斯运动鞋进行了另一次尝试。这双鞋子的颜色是海军蓝,鞋带两边都有三道白色条杠。这一次,它们代表的又是之前的匡威帆布鞋所象征的一切。那时,我还不曾会将这两种情况联系起来,但是现在,回想起来,我完全可以说那是如出一辙的。我想拥有这些鞋子的欲望泯灭了我的思想,正如它们所代表的一切让我无法思考那样。而我再次将它们收入囊中,但它们也再一次没有为我的生活带来任何改变,或者说没有带来丝毫改善。而这次,唯一不同的是我明白其中的原因了。
某天,我坐在死党的卡玛洛跑车的后座上。当时车子就停在我们中学对面的街道,等着下一节课的铃声响起。我低头盯着这双我曾经垂涎不已的鞋子。因为某种残酷的事实就摆在眼前,我恍然大悟:没有人——我自己也不会,会真的在乎我的鞋子。从万事万物的大方向来看,我在2099年拥有这双珍贵而特别的阿迪达斯,这件事情会很要紧吗?未来的世代会因为我在1996年所穿过的鞋子而羡慕、念记我吗?我的墓碑上会刻下“珍妮斯。她穿过阿迪达斯的”的字样吗?这些问题如同当头一棒,使我清醒,但与此同时,也提出了一系列每个人在人生的某个阶段必然要面对的问题,这又把我往自己绝望、孤独的泥潭推得更深。“要是这从来都无关紧要,那什么才是紧要的?”、“要是人生除此之外已无他物,那活着的意义是什么?”,而最后的问题是“如果不是我的鞋子、衣服、头发等事物让我被众人拒之门外,那是什么呢?”
是我。一直都是我。没有任何社会地位象征会改变我的本质,或者会改变我对自己的感受。要是我自己都接受不了自己,那还有谁会呢?人们总是潜意识地感觉得到的。无论他们是否明白其中的利害,他们总是对我的“痛处”非常敏感,那些我认为“不够好”的地方。我自己的父母不够好,我的同伴不够好,还有我自己不够好。问题一直存在,贯通于同化作用、愤怒面、冷漠和不屑之中。痛苦萦绕不散,并且显露出来。即使是现在——10多年之后,也依然如是。
我有一位朋友正接近于这种我爱称之为“中学挫败”的症结的尽头。我永远也不可能忘记的一件事情是他所收藏的鞋子。几乎全部都是新的,几乎都是一样的——一堆黑色的阿迪达斯桑巴足球鞋。我记得他如何坚持不断、不能自拔地买这些鞋子的情景。它们在他衣橱的地上排开,那都是他的社会地位象征。但这次,当然,我已经知道原因了,而他却浑然不知。我不肯定他会否醒悟过来。当他在某天将这些鞋子展示给我看的时候,我一点都不惊讶,我只是会心地点点头,然后沉默不语。那不是别人可以跟你说明白的,那是你必须自己想通的道理。那样的话,道理才会更加深刻——人不靠“鞋”装。
1) Chuck Taylor’s 指的是世界帆布鞋大亨美国匡威公司(Converse)的一款“Converse All Star”帆布鞋。1917年“Converse All Star”帆布鞋推出后,美国篮球巨星Chuck Taylor对其钟爱有加,积极参与这款鞋的推广和改良设计。1923年,匡威公司为表彰他对此帆布鞋所作的贡献决定把Chuck Taylor的签名作为鞋的商标的一部分。
成长的失意岁月里,大家是否也希冀过这样的“鞋子”?它们可以是穿在身上的漂亮衣服,拿在手上的精致玩具,搁在书桌上的新潮文具……它们,都曾被我们认为是开启心结的密匙,能化解心中的郁结,带我们离开困境,摆脱悲伤。为了它们,我们甚至可能沉溺,可能疯狂。不过,碌碌一番之后,我们最终发现的往往是这些东西其实并不奏效。
年少时,谁没有过这份痴狂?回想起来,大家可能付之一笑,因为经过时间和生活的洗礼,我们总能自己走出困局,并且明白一个道理:即使是安徒生的红舞鞋也有停不下来的缺陷;灰姑娘有水晶鞋为她打开幸福之门,关键的还是在于她的善良。
I can remember getting my first pair of 1)Chuck Taylor’s like it was yesterday. They were a gift from a boyfriend of my mother’s. Black high tops with white rubber toes and
2)soles, they represented so much more to me than mere 3)footwear. The box itself was a marvel all its own, tightly constructed and narrower than most. The compact nature of the 4)slender box and the contrast of the black 5)canvas against the white rubber on the shoes themselves had an air of cleanliness and 6)superiority. At the age of fourteen, these shoes signified the possibility of acceptance, self-worth, and stability. Owning these shoes and their labels “Converse All Stars”, made me suddenly believe that every aspect of my then wrong world would somehow be right.
Of course, I was wrong. My peers continued to refuse and 7)ridicule me, my self-worth maintained an all-time low, and as far as stability goes—8)across the board—I wavered like an alcoholic engaged in a 9)sobriety test. My shoes did not make anything “right”. The only reasonable explanation I could 10)discern was not that “the clothes don’t make the man”, oh, no. On the contrary, it was the 11)notion that somehow, the shoes had failed me, but more directly, I had failed myself.
At the age of sixteen I felt even more 12)outcast and alone. I had by then moved out of my mother’s home, and was going from place to place, still in search of that missing stability I’d neglected to find in my Converse All-Stars. I was still in high school, and working at the local mall. That’s when I tried again with a brand new pair of 13)Old Skool Adidas. They were navy blue, with three white stripes on either side of the laces. Again, they represented everything their Converse 14)predecessors did. At the time, I wasn’t able to relate the two 15)incidents, but now, thinking back, I can definitely say there was a pattern. The desire I held for those shoes 16)consumed my thoughts, as much as all they represented did. And once again, I got them, and once again, they didn’t make my life any different or any better. The only difference this time was that I knew why.
One day as I sat in the backseat of my best friend’s camaro, parked across the street from our high school awaiting a bell to ring to 17)signify the start of the next class, I stared down at the shoes I once
18)coveted so. With a sort of grim certainty, it dawned on me: no one, not even me, really cared about my shoes. In the grand scheme of things, is it going to matter in the year 2099 that I had this precious 19)particular pair of ADIDAS? Are generations to come going to admire and remember me because of the shoes I wore in 1996? Would my 20)tombstone read “Janis. She wore Adidas”? These questions served as an awakening, but they also thrust me deeper into my pit of despair and 21)solitude, giving rise to the questions that we’re all eventually faced with as some point in time... “If this never mattered, what does?”, “If there’s nothing more to life than this, what is the point in living?”, and finally, “If it’s not my shoes, clothes, hair, etc., that has denied me acceptance, what is it?”
It was me. It was always me. No 22)status symbol would ever change who I was, or how I felt about myself. Why should anyone accept me if I couldn’t? People are 23)subconsciously
24)perceptive. Whether they understood the 25)severity of it or not, they were always keen on my weakness, the “not good enough”. Not good enough for my own parents, not good enough for my peers, and the not good enough for myself. It was always there, through the 26)assimilation and the angry 27)facade, the indifference, and the 28)defiance. It lingered and showed through. Still does, even now, more than ten years later.
I had a friend towards the end of what I like to call “my high school failure”. One thing that I’ll never be able to forget was his collection of shoes. All nearly new, all exactly the same, black Adidas Sambas by the 29)droves. I remember how he would constantly and 30)obsessively buy them. They lined his closet floor, his status symbols. By this time, of course, I already knew the truth, he didn’t. I’m not sure if it ever occurred to him actually. I wasn’t surprised when he showed them to me one day, I just nodded knowingly and kept my mouth shut. It’s not something anyone can tell you, it’s something you have to realize for yourself. It means so much more that way. The “shoes” don’t make the man.
我对自己拥有第一双查克·泰勒帆布鞋记忆犹新,仿如发生在昨天一般。这双鞋子是我妈妈的一位男友送我的礼物。高高的黑色鞋帮,白色的橡胶鞋头和鞋底,它们于我的意义已经远远超过了一双鞋子。鞋盒本身就是一件杰作,结构牢固,盒身比大多数的鞋盒要窄一些。细长盒身的结实本色以及鞋身黑色帆布、白色橡胶的对比效果显出一份洁净和尊贵的气息。豆蔻年华,这双鞋子意味着接纳、自尊和安定。拥有这双鞋子,拥有“匡威全明星”的标签,让我顿时相信那时我失常的世界的每个方面都能无故变得合理。
当然,我错了。我的同伴依然抗拒我,奚落我,我还是原来那么自卑,至于安定,我完全飘摇不定,就如同一个需要进行酒精测试的酒鬼。我的鞋子并没有让任何事情“合理”起来。唯一我明白过来的合理解释是:“人靠衣装”并不正确,噢,不是的。相反,某种程度上我得到的结论是,这双鞋子负我所望,但是更直接来说,是我自己有负所望。
花季之年,我变得更不合群,更孤独了。我那时已经从我妈妈的家搬了出来,四处游走,依然寻找我从“匡威全明星”的标签里一直找不着的安定感。我还在上中学,同时也在当地的一个商场打工。就是那时候,我用一双崭新的复古阿迪达斯运动鞋进行了另一次尝试。这双鞋子的颜色是海军蓝,鞋带两边都有三道白色条杠。这一次,它们代表的又是之前的匡威帆布鞋所象征的一切。那时,我还不曾会将这两种情况联系起来,但是现在,回想起来,我完全可以说那是如出一辙的。我想拥有这些鞋子的欲望泯灭了我的思想,正如它们所代表的一切让我无法思考那样。而我再次将它们收入囊中,但它们也再一次没有为我的生活带来任何改变,或者说没有带来丝毫改善。而这次,唯一不同的是我明白其中的原因了。
某天,我坐在死党的卡玛洛跑车的后座上。当时车子就停在我们中学对面的街道,等着下一节课的铃声响起。我低头盯着这双我曾经垂涎不已的鞋子。因为某种残酷的事实就摆在眼前,我恍然大悟:没有人——我自己也不会,会真的在乎我的鞋子。从万事万物的大方向来看,我在2099年拥有这双珍贵而特别的阿迪达斯,这件事情会很要紧吗?未来的世代会因为我在1996年所穿过的鞋子而羡慕、念记我吗?我的墓碑上会刻下“珍妮斯。她穿过阿迪达斯的”的字样吗?这些问题如同当头一棒,使我清醒,但与此同时,也提出了一系列每个人在人生的某个阶段必然要面对的问题,这又把我往自己绝望、孤独的泥潭推得更深。“要是这从来都无关紧要,那什么才是紧要的?”、“要是人生除此之外已无他物,那活着的意义是什么?”,而最后的问题是“如果不是我的鞋子、衣服、头发等事物让我被众人拒之门外,那是什么呢?”
是我。一直都是我。没有任何社会地位象征会改变我的本质,或者会改变我对自己的感受。要是我自己都接受不了自己,那还有谁会呢?人们总是潜意识地感觉得到的。无论他们是否明白其中的利害,他们总是对我的“痛处”非常敏感,那些我认为“不够好”的地方。我自己的父母不够好,我的同伴不够好,还有我自己不够好。问题一直存在,贯通于同化作用、愤怒面、冷漠和不屑之中。痛苦萦绕不散,并且显露出来。即使是现在——10多年之后,也依然如是。
我有一位朋友正接近于这种我爱称之为“中学挫败”的症结的尽头。我永远也不可能忘记的一件事情是他所收藏的鞋子。几乎全部都是新的,几乎都是一样的——一堆黑色的阿迪达斯桑巴足球鞋。我记得他如何坚持不断、不能自拔地买这些鞋子的情景。它们在他衣橱的地上排开,那都是他的社会地位象征。但这次,当然,我已经知道原因了,而他却浑然不知。我不肯定他会否醒悟过来。当他在某天将这些鞋子展示给我看的时候,我一点都不惊讶,我只是会心地点点头,然后沉默不语。那不是别人可以跟你说明白的,那是你必须自己想通的道理。那样的话,道理才会更加深刻——人不靠“鞋”装。
1) Chuck Taylor’s 指的是世界帆布鞋大亨美国匡威公司(Converse)的一款“Converse All Star”帆布鞋。1917年“Converse All Star”帆布鞋推出后,美国篮球巨星Chuck Taylor对其钟爱有加,积极参与这款鞋的推广和改良设计。1923年,匡威公司为表彰他对此帆布鞋所作的贡献决定把Chuck Taylor的签名作为鞋的商标的一部分。